In October I return to A230 Reading and Studying Literature with the Open University. When I decided to defer in March, I chose to carry over the assignment scores achieved so far. I am looking forward to consolidating on what I have learnt so far, though I do regret waiting another year to study Shakespeare.
I am itching to start studying again but I have resisted the urge to pick up a text-book. If I try to do too much, the symptoms of anxiety come back despite the medication I am on. My body is telling me I am not ready and it is incredibly frustrating.
I stopped seeing my bereavement counsellor. Despite several weeks of therapy, I am still unable to cry. Inside I am raw and exposed, but tears wont flow and I can contain any emotion that threatens to appear. A friend helped me see that I will only move forward when I ‘hear’ myself. It was a light-bulb moment for me. No-one can make me access this pain. It is up to me to decide how and when I will deal with it. I want to thank her for her advice. I do not know how I will release it, but knowing I have the power to do so makes a difference.
Progress is slow, but I am beginning to remember who I am. I am gaining confidence which allows me to express what I need without guilt. It’s not much, but feels good.