My grand idea to post once a week hasn’t worked out, has it? For the last couple of months I have immersed myself in things that I should have been doing, rather than the things I want to. It has taught me a few things:
- I will never get on top of the housework. Living with four children means that I will always be firefighting. All I can do is manage the mess and chaos.
- I must be committed to studying and make time on a regular basis to do it. I was squeezing it in when I had time, and not really absorbing it. Now, I only study on a Tuesday for four hours. I am fortunate that I have the first three assignments banked following last years deferral. That means I can really concentrate on the learning objectives and my tutor has been kind enough to give me feedback so I can check my understanding.
- I can’t write anymore. I want to but I am constantly analysing everything I write. My original novel still burns my soul, but every sentence I write, I ask myself ‘is it shit.’ Most of the time, my answer is ‘yes.’ The only way forward is to write for myself so I am not wondering how it will be received. I blame the Advanced Creative Writing module (A363) for this.
- Writing Minty has to come from my heart. I can’t do it any other way. To do so would make this feel less ‘me’. Minty is meant to be about my degree with the Open University. I want look back to see how far I have come. Instead it has become a reminder of what I have lost. I don’t know if this means the end for Minty.
I may never be a published author and that is ok. The direction I will take in the coming years is uncertain. I have never felt so frightened and excited about the possibilities. My life is something that I have to live. If I am not myself, then I will never truly be alive.