Directionless, or Pessimism.

My grand idea to post once a week hasn’t worked out, has it?  For the last couple of months I have immersed myself in things that I should have been doing, rather than the things I want to.  It has taught me a few things:

  1. I will never get on top of the housework.  Living with four children means that I will always be firefighting. All I can do is manage the mess and chaos.
  2. I must be committed to studying and make time on a regular basis to do it. I was squeezing it in when I had time, and not really absorbing it.  Now, I only study on a Tuesday for four hours.  I am fortunate that I have the first three assignments banked following last years deferral.  That means I can really concentrate on the learning objectives and my tutor has been kind enough to give me feedback so I can check my understanding.
  3. I can’t write anymore.  I want to but I am constantly analysing everything I write.  My original novel still burns my soul, but every sentence I write, I ask myself ‘is it shit.’  Most of the time, my answer is ‘yes.’  The only way forward is to write for myself so I am not wondering how it will be received.  I blame the Advanced Creative Writing module (A363) for this.
  4. Writing Minty has to come from my heart.  I can’t do it any other way.  To do so would make this feel less ‘me’. Minty is meant to be about my degree with the Open University.  I want look back to see how far I have come.  Instead it has become a reminder of what I have lost.  I don’t know if this means the end for Minty.

I may never be a published author and that is ok. The direction I will take in the coming years is uncertain.  I have never felt so frightened and excited about the possibilities.  My life is something that I have to live. If I am not myself, then I will never truly be alive.

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2 responses to “Directionless, or Pessimism.

  1. You have to do this for you first. Make sure you are doing things for the right reason. Question your motives, what is it your truly want? Deepak Chopra says to pursue excellence and ignore success.
    I hope you find the time to do all you want, I find concentrating on One Thing helps though, give it your all.
    Yoda says “Do or do not, there is no try.”

  2. Yoda has wise words. I think you are right, I have to choose one thing at a time. It is so frustrating that I want to do too many things. Thank you for the encouragement.x

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