Moving on

imageThe last year has been a whirlwind of change. Priorities have shifted and I understand what is important to me.  I know what I want and how to achieve it. I am forgiving myself for the person I have been.

If I was in a room with myself from two years ago, the one thing I would do is tell her to hang on. The emergence from a cold, confused and lonely girl, afraid of failing people to the woman I have become has not been a clear road. I have had doubts, moments of weakness and second thoughts. Today I feel brave, strong, confident and loved. It’s not easy to accept that I may not be loved back, but I’ve decided it isn’t about what I am getting. It doesn’t matter if I’m disliked or annoying as I am being true to who I am and who I have always been.  I lost sight of myself for the longest time. I forgot how I just wanted to be kind and honest.  I forgot how much I admired the fairy tales of hope and love. I forgot about courage and compassion.  I allowed myself to change and worry what others were thinking.  I would ask myself if they would do the same for me. ‘Why should I do that for them when they wouldn’t do it for me?’ I would do something whilst secretly resenting myself for being weak.  I would dwell on how selfish others were, whilst being ignorant of how destructive I was being to my own soul.  I almost lost myself completely.

The first thing I did was admitting to myself that I have been a bitch.  I have done some pretty nasty things.  I have been selfish, spiteful and hurt people.  I’m not going to make excuses as I know it was because I was ill.  I can’t change the past but I can accept that I made bad choices. We all do it.  It’s tough admitting I was wrong, especially when I was angry and hurting. I lashed out at people because deep down I wanted them to hurt as much as I was hurting inside. It’s so clear to me now. Letting down that brick wall inside and slowly allowing the tide back in has allowed me to feel alive. It has taken over two years for me to feel complete and at peace with myself. I still have low days, but they are rare. I accept them as a part of me. I allow myself to feel the sadness and confusion because I know it will pass and I will feel happy again. This is who I am.  It is who I will always be. I will try to be the best me but sometimes I will make a mistake. That’s ok. I’m not perfect.

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